


My First Everything

by donuthead



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Denial of Feelings, Depressing, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Feelings Realization, Feels, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Hurt, M/M, No Sex, No Smut, OG naruto, One-Sided Attraction, POV First Person, Questioning, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad and Beautiful, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:20:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28276746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donuthead/pseuds/donuthead
Summary: Everybody thinks I'm annoying. Don't try to hide it. I can hear it in their voice, see it in their eyes.You say the same things. Call me names, kick me around. But yours don't hurt me. I see the way you look at me, with clarity and kindness, and I always come crawling back. I want more. More memories, more fights, more words.More you.Tell me Sasuke, why is it always you?
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38
Collections: Foxy fox 🦊





	My First Everything

_There's no comfort in the truth, pain is all that you'll find-George Michael_

I can hear the whispers.

The adults think I’m deaf. Too stupid or naive to know what they say behind my back.

But I do, and it hurts. Like when you slice your finger cutting carrots. You try to treat the wound, but the blood keeps flowing, like the running rivers in the forest.

They call me a monster, a freak, an accident.

They say it's all my fault. All my fault that their son is dead, their family broken.

And sometimes I believe them.

It hurts me, to be blamed for something I can’t remember, punished for a crime I never committed. But I learned that life is not fair, and sometimes it’s better just to let it go.

So I smile, teeth the color of sweet cream lined in rows, glimmering against the sun that never seems to stop shining, even after the skies weep their songs.

Today is just another day. At least it’ll end with ramen from Iruka. At least his smiles mean something to me.

At least he’s kind.

~

Today I learned the truth. 

I really am a monster, a freak, an accident.

I had destroyed everything, broken steel and stone like it was only shards of poorly cut glass, drowning people in the blood that flowed from my hands from the damage I caused myself. Hearts ripped like paper from the scrolls stacked in the school library, except these were irreplaceable and priceless.

He tells me everything I didn’t need to know. I have PTSD from memories that never happened. I never wanted this. I can handle the hate.

But the guilt rips me apart.

I attack him, Mizuki. He had hurt Iruka. Iruka, the one man who had never hurt me, raised his fist towards me, pushed me away. Something in me snaps, hundreds of copies popping out of thin air, his silver hair drowning in a sea of obnoxious orange and yellow.

Maybe it was because he told the truth. Maybe I am running from myself.

But if this is the truth, then I’d rather drown in a sea of lies.

~

Iruka gave me a Konoha headband. Said it was because of my performance last night.

He told me I deserved it.

But if this is the reward, then where’s the satisfaction?

~

We were given our three-man teams today.

A lot of people had graduated.

I feel my lips stretch at the sight of Choji and Shikamaru with their new headbands.

This one is genuine.

Iruka’s speech is long. I had almost fallen asleep. But I try my best not to, to make him proud of me. 

I’ll prove I’m not a monster.

I pouted in jealousy when Shikamaru and Choji were placed in the same team, but it was all forgotten when I hear Sakura’s name called next to mine. She seems upset, but I pretend not to notice.

Sasuke’s came right after.

Sasuke.

What’s so great about him? Yeah, he’s cool, and smart, and strong, but what does he have that I don’t?

I’ll prove that I'm better than him.

My lips are dry. I didn’t put on ointment this morning. I had forgotten in all the excitement. 

My tongue darts out to moisten them.

When I pull it back, I can taste sweet tomatoes. 

I did it a second time.

It was almost better than ramen.

~

Kakashi was late. Three hours to be exact. Kiba had made fun of us just before he left. I’ll be sure to beat him someday.

My sensei isn’t a loser, and I’m not either.

My fingers itched for something to do, so I pulled a sweet prank.

He didn’t appreciate it. Neither did anyone else, it seems.

Nobody ever does.

~

Kakashi was late again. He had told us to come early yesterday, but it’s been hours. Sakura and I have been complaining, and I can tell even Sasuke’s starting to twitch. 

At us or him, I’m not sure.

I pretend it’s Kakashi.

~

We failed.

Miserably.

I thought I was a good ninja.

But he was just too good.

Maybe I should quit.

But I’m Naruto Uzumaki, I never quit.

I didn’t quit even as he stabbed me, humiliated me, tied me up.

But I wanted to. He proved Mizuki right.

I am nothing.

A small rustling. I thought it was an animal, but it was a bento.

Sasuke’s bento. He was offering food.

But why? Why him?

He says it's for the mission, for the team. But I can see the blush. I know he’s lying. What he’s covering up? I’m not so sure about that.

Eventually, Sakura relents. They take turns feeding me. But even as manicured hands feed me from chopsticks, I always find myself leaning back towards pale fingertips. 

His tastes better. Like loneliness, like kindness.

Like home.

I’ve eaten most of his lunch, but he doesn’t get mad. He doesn’t strike me. Just scoffs and calls me a loser.

Loser.

The word fills me up with warmth only felt before from Iruka-sensei.

I want to hear it again.

~

We ended up passing.

Kakashi said he is proud of us. We’re officially a team. Our missions start tomorrow. I whistle on the walk home, ignoring the stares.

They can’t bother me anymore.

I have a family now. 

~

This was a mistake.

A stupid, stupid, mistake.

I was so, so very wrong.

All I had asked for were harder missions. I was tired of dog rescues and weeds. I wanted something new.

But not this, anything but this.

His blood soaks through my fingertips, dripping to the ground from far too many places. He looks in pain, in suffering.

I want him to scream at me, to call me an idiot, a retard, all those names the villagers do when they think I’m not listening.

But he doesn’t.

Why, I ask him.

I don’t know, he tells me.

Lies.

My body just moved on its own.

Lies, Lies, LIES.

STOP LYING TO ME.

I’m crying. I can’t stop the tears as they fall faster than his blood. I told myself I’d be strong, be brave, but I can't.

Not when it’s you.

His eyes close, and his heart stops beating.

I panic, hitting and shaking him with such force it probably would have hurt if he were still conscious.

But he’s not. And it’s all my fault.

I scream unholy things at the world. 

Then all I see is darkness.

~  
Kakashi held up three tickets. For the chunin exams, he tells us. He thinks we’re strong enough to handle the challenge.

He believes in us. In me. Nobody’s ever put their faith in me.

It’s enough for me to run and hug him. He is warm underneath his vest. It makes me want to cling to him forever. He won’t let me go. Not like everybody else.

No, he’s here to stay.

~

The chunin exams are tougher than I’d thought they’d be. Men double my height stared me down and sized me up. It makes me feel so small, like turning back. Maybe I can wait until next year.

But the small skin contact was all I needed to keep me grounded. Sasuke’s armband against my sweaty palm. It reminds me that I’m not alone. I can feel Sakura shake, but she hasn’t backed down.

Maybe she is tougher than I am.

Perhaps she is, but what she has in talent I can make up with hard work.

I had convinced myself during the written exam, preaching to the room how I wouldn't give up or back down no matter what. I can feel Sasuke and Sakura relax behind me. 

I like to assume it was because they were proud.

But I knew it was not.

Nobody ever was.

~

The forest was nothing like the exam. Kakashi had never prepared me for this. If the first part was murder, this was genocide. 

I saved Sasuke once, against that snake woman who wouldn’t stop chasing us. Him.

It didn’t matter though. In the end, I had failed to protect him.

I always fail.

But this time it broke my heart, not just my bones.

Sakura told me how he became a monster. Someone she could no longer recognize. Maybe that’s what the villagers see in me. 

But at least Sakura forgave him.

They will never forget.

~

They’re making us fight again. I’m tired, and my bones ache. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me to stop. But they continue to make us fight.

No matter what, you always keep fighting.

I could see the pain he was in. Everything he suffered because of me. Because I wasn’t strong enough. 

But I can’t stop. Because if I do, I prove to everyone who looked down on me that they are right, that I am just more worthless trash in this world.

And maybe I am. But I refuse to bow to them because I see the way he looks at me. He has faith and confidence. Trust that I will stand up again, even when the others don’t. Even when Sakura doesn’t, Kakashi doesn’t, he continues to stand there, waiting for me to rise so we can walk together. And that’s what keeps me going.

His fight is uncomfortable to watch. I can see the pain flash in his eyes every move he makes. I know that cold face is like second nature to him, but even the hardest of stone will break after years of wind and rain.

I can’t explain the sigh that left my lips when his opponent stilled. The way he looked at me before Kakashi took him away is all I need to keep standing, to keep fighting.

Kiba is strong. 

But I am stronger. I’m proving to him that I am not a loser. I’m showing him with my words, and fighting him with my fists.

Would you be proud of me, Sasuke?

~

They gave us a month. 31 days to prepare for our next battle. 

It was nowhere near enough.

No amount of training will ever get me to the level I need to best Neji, Gaara, you.

Kakashi sent me to Ebisu so he could train you. It hurt to be tossed aside like that. I get it, you need it more than I do, but I still couldn’t help the feelings of jealousy that bubbled in my chest like black tar at his retreating backside.

Of who, I honestly couldn’t tell you.

~

Nobody expected me to have beaten Neji.

To be honest, I hadn’t either.

But you weren’t here, and I knew if you came back to my defeat you would never let it go, so I continue to fight.

I yell with every punch I throw. Even as my chakra passages are cut one by one, my voice never wavers, cutting through the stadium like bullets, hitting home with every shot. It feels good to shout, to scream about destiny, resilience, trust. Now I know why they always do it in those shonen mangas I see in the magazine stand. Maybe I'll try it more often. Sometimes in a world of endless war, you need a voice to shine the light.

When he falls, I can hear the leaves rustle. My heartbeat drowning the blood in my ears. 

Everything hurt.

But I had won.

I’m sure you would have been proud if you saw me.

~

Shikamaru had convinced himself you wouldn’t come.

I told him how stupid he sounded.

But a little bit of me is doubtful. I want to believe you will show up, but what if you never do? And part of me worries about the inevitable fight. I had seen Gaara, when he came to kill Lee, when we peeked in the hallways. I know what he is capable of. I know you are strong, but would it be enough to defeat him? 

I can only hope so.

I didn’t know whether to be elated or terrified when you finally came. Leaves scattering in a whirlwind around you, just as dramatic as the movies. Not like I’ve ever been able to afford to see one.

Your bangs have grown past your chin, completely framing your face. It looks pretty stupid. The black jumpsuit looks a little gay too. Together, it transforms you into the complete emo fashion disaster package. I almost laughed.

But then you turn towards me. Amongst all the conundrum and excitement, your first reaction is me.

Did you win, you asked.

Of course, I shout right back.

I can see the pride in your features, the way your eyes sparkle for me in a way I hadn’t seen shown to anyone else. You believed in my victory. 

You didn’t speak it with words, but I can feel it in your heart. 

That’s the second time anybody’s ever been proud of me.

This was the first time I felt proud of myself.

~

Everything is covered in red.

Where had all this blood come from?

People are dropping left and right as shinobis flash in and out, metal against metal as sparks fly from intercepted kunai.

I can’t remember much of what happened. Just monsters, destruction, more fights, and more words. It was over as soon as it began, but the blood still hasn’t faded.

You look so alone, sitting here by yourself in this big hospital. A small speck of black surrounded by forests of bleach white. It hurts me to see you like this.

You don’t belong here. I wish there was a way I could drag you out of this wretched place. But if I tried, you’d only laugh at me and push me further away.

What happened to the old Sasuke?

~

Sakura has always been better at facing her problems than I am. People tell me that when I’m pushed into a corner, all I do is yell, and apparently it gets really bothersome.

You never seemed to mind, though, and I appreciate you for that, even if I’ll never say so.

But for some reason, seeing you like this, all I can do is stand and watch. 

My heart pinches in the confines of my chest, and it’s hard to breathe. Why can’t I be hugged in the way she embraces you? Why won’t anyone express their love to me the way she looks at you? 

It hurts inside, and I almost want to scream. I’m jealous. Jealous of you. Why do you always get what you don’t want, while I’m left to beg for what I don’t have?

Or am I mad at Sakura? Touching you when it should’ve been me with my arms wrapped around your pale figure, holding you tight while you cry into my shoulder, never letting go.

But it’s not me. It will never be me.

Because I am not strong enough.

If I were here instead, would you even think to visit me? 

Would anyone?

~

I can’t.

But you look at me with such conviction that I have to cave.

I can never say no to you. My muscles scorch in the intense heat. They want me to stop. 

I want to stop. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

But you want it. So I’ll give it to you, as long as it’ll make you happy.

I’d do anything for you, you know that?

It’s just too bad Kakashi had to get in the way. He always does.

They always do.

Why can’t I just be happy?

~

I think I can understand why you want revenge.

I used to be upset without a family to wake up to. But seeing his face almost makes me glad I don’t.

Almost.

He wants me to go with him. With the shark man.

Does he want me more than he wants you?

But I don’t want to go with him. I want to live in Konoha. With Ero-Sennin, with Team 7. 

With you. 

But he is strong. Terrifyingly strong. His eyes alone make me want to melt into the ground.

How were you able to handle this?

I couldn’t tell you how happy I was when I saw you. I was saved, you had come for me.

But how can a dead man bring me home?

I saw the way he hurt you. It must be humiliating. I promise not to talk about this, but it doesn’t stop the ache in my chest when I see you fall. 

I want to run to you, to see if you’re okay, but his gaze locks me in place. I’m really starting to hate those red eyes. Like they see right through me. Maybe he sees my sadness, my pain.

Maybe then he’ll let me go.

But he doesn’t. People never forget, they never let go. Their grips are as strong as metal chains.

It makes me feel wanted.

But why isn’t it ever out of love?

~

Tsunade scares me.

She tells me I’m just another brat in the world, that I don’t have the power to change anything.

Maybe she’s right.

But like people say, I’m infuriatingly stubborn. So I argue with her. How am I supposed to keep going when all she wants to do is give up? It doesn’t make sense. She’s not making any sense. 

She says if I train, if I master the technique, she’ll come to Konoha. Does she know I won’t be able to? Is that why she offered? It’s torture to me, and she knows it. I want to hate her, but I can’t.

Maybe she knows that too. Everybody says I’m easy to read.

Do they see my sadness, too?

~

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to kill a man before.

But seeing his face makes me want to rip him to shreds. He hurt you, and for that, I’ll make him pay.

But I’m too weak, so Ero-Sennin will do it for me. I think he hates him just as much as I do.

Tsunade is hurt. It’s my duty to protect her. So I yell and I shout. I scream all the things to the world about never giving up, about standing tall, and she does.

She says she’s proud, that she’ll come back.

But it doesn’t make me feel good. Only you’re able to make me feel that way.

Tell me Sasuke. Why is it always you?

~

You’re gone. 

I woke up expecting Sakura to be hounding me for sleeping in even though Kakashi would be three hours late anyway.

But it wasn’t her. It was Shikamaru. He told me you left.

A part of me broke. How am I supposed to breathe when half of my heart has shattered?

I saw how sad Sakura was. How she tried to tell you not to go, how she held you tight, but not tight enough. She really loves you. I can see it now.

Do you love her back? A part of me wishes you’ll say no.

I wish I knew why that was.

~

Everyone is disappearing. These men are scary. They reek of experiments and torture.

Is that what he’s going to do to you?

The bone man is tough. I think he might be the strongest. He also likes to talk. He preaches about his skills, about Orochimaru, about his purpose. 

I want to feel bad for him, but then I remember you’re the same. A broken soul. And I stop, because I know it would only make you madder at me.

How come whenever I try my best, it only pushes people farther away?

~

I can barely see your face from across the river. Why did you bring me here? 

You look at me with such hate, such contempt. It makes me want to let you go. 

But then I remember how I’m nothing without you, and I refuse to back down.

Maybe I’m selfish like that, but if being selfish will save the only person that matters to me, then I’ll destroy the world.

Only for you.

Why don’t you keep running? You’re faster than I am, it’s something we both know very well.

So why are you here to fight?

It makes me feel a little delighted. I shouldn’t be this happy, but knowing you want me, even if it’s just to kill me, still makes me feel warm inside. 

It’s been a while since I’ve felt that sticky honey feeling. When was the last time you’ve given it to me?

I think I’m starting to get used to this yelling thing. It’s like second nature to me. Don’t even have to think about it. The words just tumble out.

You seem to be annoyed by them. Are they bothering you? Maybe I should stop, but I don’t want to.

Yeah, I’m selfish. But it’s only for you.

Your eyes are red. They light my soul on fire. I never noticed how beautifully they shine. Even as you choke me, all I can see are your broken eyes.

Has anybody told you how pretty they are?

They say that eyes are the window to the soul. Do you really feel broken? Can you see that I’m the exact same?

I don’t want you to leave. Train with me. I’ll help you get revenge. Just don’t leave me here alone, because I’ll spend the rest of my life chasing you.

You’re livid. I can see it in the way you move, the way you speak. You want me to give up.

Trust me, I do too.

But I can’t, because I need you.

So I stand and let my demon take over.

It’s like you said. When it comes to the things that matter the most, I’ll do whatever it takes.

And that means hurting you.

~

When I wake up, I’m all alone.

I’m sitting in the hospital, wrapped in white gauze and sheets. The only color in the room is my green smock and yellow hair. 

I laugh. How the tables have turned.

But I turn, and my laugh dies like warmth during a blizzard, because the bed next to me is empty. 

You aren’t beside me. I failed to bring you home. 

And with that, half of me is gone too.

My face is wet. Was the window left open?

But the window is locked and the sky is blue. No, these are my tears.

I don’t bother to wipe them away. I let them fall onto my waiting, shaking palms. Maybe if I collect enough, I’ll be able to bring you back.

But I can’t, because I can only rely on myself.

And I know that myself will never be enough.

Tell me, when you were injured, how many people came to visit you? I bet half of the village would come if they knew you were hurt.

Nobody will come for me. I bet they wish I had died instead.

Do you feel the same way? I can understand if you do.

But every single part of me says that you don’t, and I will myself to believe.

I will bring you home to me.

~

Every day I take a new mission. Sometimes they’re with Sakura, but she’s busy with medical training under Tsunade. She rarely has time for me anymore. Kakashi too is needed on the higher level missions. So I travel with other teams and their senseis. Sometimes team 8, 10, or even team Guy. I remember once I had a mission with team 8 minus Kurenai to find a bug that could track you down. I jeopardized everything, and Tsunade was so upset, she made Kiba, Hinata, and I take up another mission, saying if we failed again, we would be sent back to the academy.

I had never been so scared on a mission before. I wonder why that is. The first major mission we had as Team 7 still scars me to this day, but for some reason, I wasn’t as fearful then as I am now. Maybe it’s because I had you at my side; I knew I could conquer anything.

But now you aren’t here, and my back feels cold and bare. No one to watch behind me, protect my blind spots. I can only rely on myself.

People call me an idiot. Sakura too. I usually don’t let the words hurt me; I know she means no harm, but sometimes it hurts just a little too much for me to ignore it. I’ve gotten good at pretending, but it’s hard to fully convince myself that the pain isn’t there. But it had never hurt when you said it. Golden medicine as warm as the sun never does.

I miss you. Did you know that? I think if I had told this to myself when you had first left, I would have laughed and said how there was no point in missing someone you were going to bring back the next day.

But it’s been months. Do you think of me the same way I think of you? I miss your onyx eyes that spin to deep crimson, your feathery hair that I would always mock, but secretly love. I want to bring back that laugh that you would show only me, those genuine smiles, those names.

You showed me the world. 

You made me believe I wasn’t a monster.

You kept me walking with broken legs.

You taught me it hurt to lie.

You had faith and pride in me.

You were the first one to make me truly happy.

You are my first love.

My first everything.

Because of you, I can stand. I can walk, I can run, I can fight.

And that is enough for me to find you, to bring you home.

Because I love you.

-Your one and only loser

Naruto Uzumaki


End file.
